Recognizing Generational Patterns

Generational patterns are tricky. We are raised in a particular environment and take on certain habits, beliefs, and traits without even realizing it. So steeped are we in our own “normal” that we don’t always see how these patterns are quietly shaping the way we move through life.

But like the elephant in the room, at some point we realize they are there. And once something is seen, it is quite difficult to unsee.

Recently in my own life I saw very clearly a generational pattern at play. One of my struggles has always been saying NO. Just the thought of telling someone no used to send a deep wave of fear and anxiety through my chest! For many years I couldn’t muster up the courage to even try to tell someone no.

My fear was disappointing others. I was always so worried about the feelings and needs of everyone around me, but underneath that was a deeper wound I was not tending to within myself. Somewhere along the way, I learned that keeping others happy felt safer than feeling the pain of rejection, guilt, and disconnection that lived inside of me. Saying NO triggered painful parts in me to rise to the surface. This is often what discomfort really is. These unresolved parts within us asking to be seen, felt, and heard. And they will continue getting triggered until we begin tending to them with awareness and compassion.

On my own healing path, this was one of the first things I began to tackle. When we say yes when we really want to say no, it is a major source of leakage in our energy field. It depletes us in so many ways to the point that we feel drained, anxious, and stressed most of our days. We might find ourselves avoiding social situations or people because we fear the potential moments where we might once again find ourselves caught in this sticky web.

But these situations are opportunities. And these opportunities will continue showing up in your life until you begin addressing the underlying wounds that created this pattern in the first place.

But where does this all start from anyways?

This past month I was prepping dinner in the kitchen one evening. My daughter was sitting at the counter engrossed in her artwork. I had a pan cooking on the stove while simultaneously chopping vegetables, and I happened to ask my daughter if she would mind getting me a glass of water really quick.

Her response: “I do mind actually”, and she proceeded working on her art without moving from her chair.

My learned response wanted to rise up, “Well I need your help so you need to go get it for me right now.” But something in me paused. I became aware of the learned response, and it suddenly felt odd to force my needs onto her when she had the option to say no.

This is the learned pattern. This is probably how I learned it, and it is also most likely how it gets passed onto the next generation. And I was witnessing it attempting to move through me and onto my daughter in this very moment.

We always have the opportunity to change and shift and transform. If we have awareness, we have potential, because you can only change that which you are aware of.

In this moment for myself, I chose differently. I said, “Ok, no worries,” instead, and honored my daughter’s ability and right to say no. I supported her right to decide who, when, and how she wants to help others.

This is how we break generational patterns. We move through our days consciously, we set an intention to become open to seeing the patterns, and we choose differently.

The seed becomes the sprout,

The sprout becomes a tree.

Till tree drops its seed,

And life begins again.

Same tree, different place.

Different branches, same face.

But what we can change,

Is how we grow.

To begin to see,

What we didn’t know.

Transform the story,

Within the line.

And break the chains,

That trap and bind.

Different tree, same place.

Same branches, different face.

The tree grows strong,

Branches stretch towards light.

To transform anew,

And life begins again.

Love and blessings,

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