Life is always presenting us with opportunities for healing and growth. For me, this especially comes through the challenging moments. It’s at those times, however, that it’s also the hardest to take time to pause and reflect. But when we do, it can really open our awareness to those parts of us lingering beneath the surface that maybe no longer fit in our life.

 

In this month’s newsletter, I shared my experience of having my first vendor booth and the fear that came up for me as the event got closer. What initially seemed to be about the vendor booth turned out to be an opportunity to look a little deeper at what was really going on within me.

 

I think it is important to take time to reflect on these experiences as we walk our healing path. Reflection gives us an opportunity to honor the transformation that is taking place within us and allows what we are learning to sink a little deeper into our soul.

 

So, in this month’s blog, I want to expand a little more on that experience and walk through some of the questions I asked myself afterward. These are simple questions we can use when something in our lives stirs an emotional response and guides us to go within, which is where true healing resides.

 

What difficulty or challenge has arisen in my everyday life?

For me, this was pretty easy to identify. I had signed up for my first vendor booth, something I was genuinely excited about. But as the date got closer, I eventually noticed that I had fallen into some unconscious patterns. I was procrastinating and doing everything except actually getting ready for the big day. I was irritable and scattered. Life was just not feeling like it was flowing like it used to.

 

The night before the event, I was up late sewing. As I was sitting there trying to finish a project, I was making mistakes that I don’t usually make. Really basic ones! It was then that I realized, “Oh no! I was triggered by a fearful part of me, and it was absolutely running the show right now and had been for weeks!”

 

Life was trying to get my attention and I was fully ignoring it! But once we see something, we can’t unsee it. And I just witnessed the last two weeks of my life as my “not self,” and it was now my choice how I wanted to proceed. Do I continue to ignore my feelings? Or do I brave the deep waters and dive within?

What emotion(s) did I feel with this experience?

I think one of the hardest things for us to do is to truly feel our uncomfortable emotions. Perhaps we imagine something is wrong with us, feel ashamed for feeling a certain way, or simply want to get rid of the feeling as quickly as possible.

 

But what if, instead of trying to push our uncomfortable emotions away, we turned toward them? What if we created space for them in our awareness and allowed ourselves to simply be with what we are feeling?

 

I believe this is one of the greatest forms of self-love. When we allow ourselves to feel rather than judge or suppress what is coming up, we begin to create a bridge into our inner world. And it is there, within that inner world, that we can begin to understand what our emotions are trying to show us.

 

So, what was I actually feeling beneath all of the procrastination, irritability, and scattered energy?

 

Fear was definitely there. But as I sat with it, I realized it was more than that. There was certainly anxiety and self-doubt as well. I was afraid that no one would come. I was afraid people wouldn’t like what I was offering. I was afraid I would sit there awkwardly with no one to talk to. And I was afraid that when I did talk, I would mess it all up and say the wrong thing!

 

The deeper fear was the fear of rejection. And this feeling was a familiar friend to me, because I could recall feeling it at many different points in my life. So many other challenges in my past had triggered the same emotions and unconscious responses.

 

So where does it really come from?

When have I felt this same emotion before, both as an adult and as a child?

As I sat with this question, I realized that this fear of rejection went much deeper than the vendor booth. The feeling was familiar because I had experienced it before. Not just once, but at different points throughout my life.

 

Ultimately, I realized that much of it stemmed from an experience of being ignored and left behind.

 

The memory that came to the forefront was when my family moved from New York to Massachusetts. I didn’t find out from my mom. My friends told me. And then, when my mom left, she packed up before the school year was finished and left me behind with a friend of hers. A friend who treated me like an independent roommate. I remember many times that I would just walk around town all by myself, feeling so lost and unsure where to go or what to do.

 

I felt scared, alone, and rejected.

 

It’s moments like these that leave a deep imprint on our soul. An experience may have happened years ago, but the emotions and beliefs we formed around it can continue to live within us and carry that same story into our present life moments. An echo from our past in the present moment.

 

In shamanic healing, we call this soul loss. It is the idea that parts of ourselves can become disconnected or withdrawn in response to overwhelming or painful experiences.

 

For me, this was the trigger beneath the vendor booth. It triggered the same emotion, the same story. The story of a lost child who believes she doesn’t matter, that she isn’t important enough for anyone’s attention. A child who is calling out, looking for her true home, looking for wholeness.

 

But awareness is only the beginning. Once we can see what is beneath the surface, we can begin to ask what this part of us is really needing.

Is there something I am being invited to see, understand, or release?

Honestly, this is something I am still working through. These things take time. What I am sharing with you here in this blog evolved over several weeks, as I continued to reflect on what was happening within me. And I am still navigating my own healing.

 

I think sometimes we expect that once we uncover the root of something, we should immediately know what to do with it. But healing doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, the invitation is simply to be present with what we have discovered.

 

For me, I am being invited to be patient with this tender part of myself. To really be there for her in a way that nobody was there for her when she was younger.

 

Maybe that is ultimately what she needs.

 

For me to show up…to let the feelings be felt, to let the tears flow, and to remind her that she is not alone anymore. This is pain that has been held inside for over 30 years, so allowing time feels like the right approach.

 

And maybe that’s all healing is: allowing ourselves to feel what we couldn’t fully feel before, while giving that part of ourselves the love, presence, and safety it needed all along. It’s love that ultimately heals fear.

 

Love is not something outside of us. It’s within us… always within us. Called forth by the actions we choose and the words we speak. That is the power of your inner light…your Spirit Within…the power to feel deep fear yet still have the strength to choose love.

 

Much love,

 

Ways To Stay Connected

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