This month, I have found myself reminiscing about life and contemplating my evolution from my early twenties to where I am now. At times, it feels like I’ve become a completely different person, yet I know that we are truly one and the same. Because the truth is, the version of me that exists today would not be here without all of the challenges, struggles, pain, learning, love, joy, adventure, that came before. 

So much has changed between then and now. Some of those changes were incredibly hard, while others came a little easier. But truthfully, change has never been easy for me. Why is it that, in the moment, change can feel like the end of the world, like life or death? And yet, somewhere deep inside, we know something has to shift. We reach a breaking point where the pain of staying with the old becomes greater than the fear of changing.

And this is what I want to share with you all today. A story from my own life, during a time when the fear in my life felt the most thick and heavy. I had spent so much time and energy throughout my life pushing it down, suppressing it. The crossroad moment for me came through the avenue of a relationship in my life. The fear was no longer a quiet whisper. It had become a loud shout from within, and the pain had grown so great, that it finally outweighed the fear of moving on. 

The Relationship that Changed Everything

The year was 2007. I had just graduated from nursing school and made the decision to relocate to my grandparents’ house. At the same time, there was a guy in my life. Looking back through my eyes of today, I wouldn’t really give him the title of a true boyfriend, because he always conveniently kept that title fluid. Girlfriend when he needed something from me. Just a friend when others were around who he might benefit from. But I was so in love with that man.

He had been trying to convince me to move to New York City, but my family had encouraged me to move to upstate New York to be near them. I think deep down I knew that his intention for asking me to move was not for love, but for his own financial benefit. Fate intervened and the call from my family won out. Something about moving to a big city just didn’t feel right. And looking back now, with a different set of eyes, I can see that this was my inner Spirit calling me in a more aligned direction.

So what drew me into this relationship?

This man had many good qualities. He had a unique spark about him. He was well spoken, social, had a distinct sense of style, and marched to the beat of his own drum. I deeply admired his bravery for being who he was. At this point in my life, I was terribly shy and had a hard time making friends. Being myself felt like the most unnatural thing in the world. And somehow, under all that confusion, it felt like he could see the real me. He made me feel special and gave me the attention I so deeply craved at the time.

But this relationship came with a price. To stay emotionally invested in it, I had to keep giving away parts of myself, which included my money, time, attention, and what little self-respect I could muster. Little by little, I was emptying my own cup to pour into his. And then, the compliments began to shift. One of his favorite things to say when we would argue was: “You’re a waste of space.”

A waste of space…

How can someone be in love with a person who saw her as not even worth taking up space in this world? 

The picture I chose for this blog was actually taken by this very man. He and I had made an impromptu trip to Vermont one crisp fall morning to admire the foliage. This was before the days of smartphones, and I had brought along my camera loaded with black-and-white film.

We found an abandoned house in town, part of which looked like it had been damaged by fire. He suggested the idea to go inside and take some pictures. In one of the rooms, he found a little corner in complete shambles and directed me to crouch and stare sadly off into the distance. What I also remember about this day was quietly following his photography directives, too afraid to voice my own photo ideas.

Looking back now, I see that this photo perfectly captured my life at the time. The broken-down structure around me mirrored the parts of myself I couldn’t yet face. I was too scared to look around, too scared to acknowledge what was falling apart, so I just pretended it wasn’t there.

Up until this point in my life, I felt like a broken compass that no longer knew which direction was North. I went wherever others directed me. I liked the things others liked so I could fit in. It seemed like the right and safe thing to do at the time. I had no direction, so I relied on others to create it for me. I had no sense of self, so I leaned on the identity others created for me.

This man made me feel like he saw the very thing I was missing: my sense of self. So if he saw me, and I let him go, then wouldn’t that mean I’d be lost all over again? Who would ever see the real me? Would I ever find someone who loves me? Would I ever be happy? These were the thoughts that circled in my mind.

Thinking about this now, I have deep compassion for the young woman I was, locked into that false illusion. So lost and wandering wherever the wind took her. So muddled in murky water that she couldn’t see her own light calling to her from within the darkness.

But the choice I made to not move to New York City was a turning point for me. And it was a brave step. I knew I had to cut ties with him. Yet at the same time, I so desperately wanted to call him again. But I had made a promise to myself: I would get through this. I just had to let myself feel everything and take it one day at a time. For many nights, I lay sobbing in my bed with a deep aching pain in my chest. I kept constantly checking my phone for messages, secretly hoping he was missing me as much as I was missing him. But the man who had once been the center of my world had now disappeared into silence. And I felt the cold sting of loneliness and abandonment.

The Light Within the Dark

I don’t share this story to garner sympathy or receive pity for my past. Often our worst moments are our greatest teachers. There were many lessons learned within that relationship, and that man was the catalyst to help point me in the direction towards myself, and for that I am forever grateful. If I hadn’t felt the depth of being lost, how would I know what it’s like to be found? I learned, very acutely, what it feels like in my body to not be on my path. I have so much love, awe, and compassion for the person I was back then. No matter how bad I felt at that time, how dark my world seemed around me, I was still able to find that piece of me that knew I was worth taking up space in this world.

So why am I sharing this story with all of you?

I share this story because we all carry fear in our lives in some shape or form. Sometimes it’s hard to see clearly through it or find our way through the other side. But I want you to know that it is possible to move through trying times even with fear present. Sometimes, like with my story here, we’re forced into changing when the pain of staying becomes greater than the fear of leaving. But what if we didn’t have to wait for the breaking point? What if we could become conscious participants in our own lives, walking hand in hand with fear as we face what scares us?

This is the heart of what I will be sharing in my new series, The Fear Diaries, on my YouTube channel, @wisdombycandlelight. I’ll be reflecting on how I’ve navigated fear throughout different seasons of my life, and how I continue to do so today.

Right now, I’m in the middle of a new chapter. This year, I am choosing to step away from my career as an Oncology Nurse to give my full time and energy to my Shamanic Healing practice. It’s a big shift, and it brings its own kind of fear. I’ll also be sharing about that journey there as well as it unfolds.

Our lives are a series of steps leading us to recognize, embrace, and embody the unique light that we are. If you’re standing at your own crossroads, wondering if the pain of staying is greater than the fear of leaving, know that the light within you is strong enough to lead the way.

Let us honor every part of our story, and walk with fear hand in hand… together.

With love and courage,

P.S. If this story resonated with you, I’d love for you to subscribe to my YouTube channel, @wisdombycandlelight, where I’ll be sharing more personal reflections in my new series, The Fear Diaries.

And if you’re navigating your own crossroads and feel called to receive one-on-one support, you can explore my healing services here. I’d be honored to walk alongside you.